1
00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:30,290
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

2
00:00:30,330 --> 00:00:34,460
I’m sending this beautiful plant
to a dear friend.

3
00:00:34,500 --> 00:00:37,300
I believe it’s feeding time.

4
00:00:38,670 --> 00:00:42,300
[chewing, grinding]

5
00:00:45,340 --> 00:00:47,410
[gulps]

6
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:50,780
These carnivorous plants
get quite hungry.

7
00:00:50,810 --> 00:00:52,510
This one has been quite useful

8
00:00:52,550 --> 00:00:55,420
around here
as a garbage disposal.

9
00:00:55,450 --> 00:00:57,650
I shall hate to part with it.

10
00:00:57,690 --> 00:01:00,460
But I know my friend
will love it.

11
00:01:00,490 --> 00:01:03,730
And I am sure,
it will love him, too.

12
00:01:21,780 --> 00:01:24,280
-[cawing]
-Shut your stupid beak.

13
00:01:24,310 --> 00:01:26,610
A dog gets housebroke
at three months.

14
00:01:26,650 --> 00:01:28,420
You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.

15
00:01:28,450 --> 00:01:29,580
Where’s your pride?

16
00:01:29,620 --> 00:01:31,590
You’re worse than a pelican.

17
00:01:31,620 --> 00:01:35,890
Hermie! Hermie!

18
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:39,160
-[Hermie] Yeah?
-Did you feed Romeo his banana?

19
00:01:39,190 --> 00:01:41,230
[Hermie]
I’m gettin’ to it.

20
00:01:41,260 --> 00:01:42,830
Don’t keep him waiting too long.

21
00:01:42,860 --> 00:01:44,670
The poor thing must be ravenous!

22
00:01:44,700 --> 00:01:48,000
[caws]

23
00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:50,510
How’ll you have it, stupid?
Sliced?

24
00:01:50,540 --> 00:01:52,710
[woman] Slice it for him,
Hermie!

25
00:01:52,740 --> 00:01:55,110
[bird chuckles]

26
00:01:55,110 --> 00:01:59,280
-Hermie, did you hear
what I said?
-I heard you!

27
00:01:59,310 --> 00:02:02,150
You marry a woman the mental age
of 10 and you wind up

28
00:02:02,180 --> 00:02:05,420
a bedroom steward
to a blasted Noah’s Ark.

29
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,560
You are the cutest little
chameleon I ever did see.

30
00:02:15,830 --> 00:02:17,630
What’s the matter, precious?

31
00:02:17,670 --> 00:02:20,200
Upset because you can’t turn
polka dotted?

32
00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,300
[whistling]

33
00:02:22,340 --> 00:02:24,170
Hermie,
that’s the mailman!

34
00:02:30,710 --> 00:02:33,080
Hope you choke on it.

35
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,460
[parrot]
Slob.

36
00:02:40,490 --> 00:02:42,190
[caws]

37
00:02:43,990 --> 00:02:46,530
[man] I never in my life
saw a fish stand on its tail

38
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:48,100
like that one.

39
00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:49,660
Bang, he hit!

40
00:02:50,970 --> 00:02:54,670
Then I set the hook,
swish, up he went,

41
00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:58,010
right on his tail, six, eight
foot, just like a rocket.

42
00:02:58,110 --> 00:03:00,040
Like to pull me out of the boat.

43
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,780
Hi, henpeck.
How’s the menagerie?

44
00:03:01,810 --> 00:03:03,510
You shut up about Hermie,
George.

45
00:03:03,550 --> 00:03:04,810
He’s the best little zookeeper

46
00:03:04,850 --> 00:03:06,650
on Bougainvillea Street.
Ain’t you, Hermie?

47
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:09,050
You both through?
You can give me the mail.

48
00:03:09,050 --> 00:03:10,820
All right.
All right.

49
00:03:10,850 --> 00:03:13,720
[screeches]

50
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,660
[parrot]
Slob!

51
00:03:20,060 --> 00:03:22,730
Hermie, I think they made up.

52
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,500
Well, good for them.

53
00:03:24,530 --> 00:03:26,700
Wasn’t a serious quarrel
after all.

54
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,440
[Hermie] She probably
got to nagging him.

55
00:03:28,470 --> 00:03:31,970
A seahorse can’t take that
day in and day out, you know.

56
00:03:32,070 --> 00:03:34,980
Gets up every morning,
looks at the same old face.

57
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:39,080
Sits around all day,
listens to a lot of yakety-yak.

58
00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:40,280
How do you know?

59
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:41,780
I read a book once.

60
00:03:41,820 --> 00:03:42,850
[bird screeches]

61
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:44,290
Here, you want to endorse this,

62
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,820
I’ll take it over
to the bank before it closes.

63
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:49,890
Do you know what I think
about the seahorses, Hermie?

64
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:52,430
-What?
-I think it was the food.

65
00:03:52,460 --> 00:03:54,230
He don’t like her cooking?

66
00:03:54,260 --> 00:03:56,900
Oh, be serious, will you?

67
00:03:56,930 --> 00:03:58,970
I think he was undernourished.

68
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:03,040
It’s the vitamin D in that
new baby brine shrimp
you got last week.

69
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,170
Come on, sweetheart.
Get some more today.

70
00:04:05,210 --> 00:04:07,640
-OK.
-Oh, be sure, now.

71
00:04:10,110 --> 00:04:11,950
Ah, let’s see.

72
00:04:12,050 --> 00:04:14,180
$200 for deposit.

73
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,550
$50 for grocery money.

74
00:04:16,580 --> 00:04:19,520
And $10 for your allowance.

75
00:04:19,550 --> 00:04:20,920
Ten?

76
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,790
Now, Hermie, we have been
through all that before,

77
00:04:22,820 --> 00:04:24,460
I’m not made of money.

78
00:04:24,490 --> 00:04:26,960
-OK.
-And remember the brine shrimp.

79
00:04:27,060 --> 00:04:29,230
-Yeah.
-The vitamin D.

80
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:32,570
-And, Hermie...
-Yeah?

81
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,940
-[woman] One beer!
-[Hermie imitates]

82
00:04:40,740 --> 00:04:43,140
Well, how long have you and
Myra been married, Hermie?

83
00:04:43,180 --> 00:04:44,850
Fifteen years.

84
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:48,080
Fifteen years.
Oh, I envy you.

85
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:51,220
-Why?
-Well, I...

86
00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:54,460
A home ain’t a home
without a woman in it.

87
00:04:54,490 --> 00:04:58,290
You got yourself a home, Hermie,
a real home.

88
00:04:58,330 --> 00:05:00,930
You got your roots down deep.

89
00:05:01,030 --> 00:05:04,030
You got your own little family.

90
00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:07,040
I ain’t had that for,
let me see now...

91
00:05:08,070 --> 00:05:10,740
Nine long years.

92
00:05:10,770 --> 00:05:14,480
Yeah, she’s been gone
nine years this month.

93
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:19,610
How’d you manage that?

94
00:05:19,650 --> 00:05:21,150
Huh?

95
00:05:21,180 --> 00:05:24,920
Uh, what, eh, took her off?

96
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:26,350
Pneumonia.

97
00:05:26,390 --> 00:05:27,690
Oh.

98
00:05:34,430 --> 00:05:36,800
How do you get pneumonia
in Florida, George?

99
00:05:36,830 --> 00:05:39,330
-Kansas City.
-Oh.

100
00:05:40,570 --> 00:05:42,940
Myra wouldn’t move
to Kansas City.

101
00:05:42,970 --> 00:05:45,070
Who wants to move
to Kansas City?

102
00:05:45,070 --> 00:05:47,980
I mean, in case
anyone was to ask her,

103
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:49,680
"Would you move
to Kansas City?"

104
00:05:49,710 --> 00:05:52,150
It’s an 11-to-1 shot
she’d say no.

105
00:05:52,180 --> 00:05:53,750
Nothing wrong with Kansas City.

106
00:05:53,780 --> 00:05:56,790
-Oh, I never said there was.
-My wife loved it.

107
00:05:56,820 --> 00:05:59,790
She said there was no place
in the world like Kansas City.

108
00:06:01,060 --> 00:06:03,290
She was a good woman,
Hermie.

109
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,860
Life ain’t been the same
since she took off.

110
00:06:05,890 --> 00:06:08,060
I suppose not.

111
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:10,900
[sighs]
Well, she...

112
00:06:10,930 --> 00:06:13,300
She left me pretty well fixed.

113
00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:15,740
I don’t want for nothing.

114
00:06:15,770 --> 00:06:18,240
But life just ain’t the same.

115
00:06:19,570 --> 00:06:22,610
I wandered around
for more than two years,

116
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,710
trying to forget.

117
00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:27,620
Hawaii, Acapulco,

118
00:06:27,650 --> 00:06:31,290
Las Vegas, Monte Carlo.

119
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,960
But life just ain’t the same
without a woman in the house.

120
00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:40,900
Everything so...

121
00:06:40,930 --> 00:06:43,670
-So quiet.
-I suppose so.

122
00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:46,200
-Have a beer?
-Sure.

123
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:49,970
[George]
Since she’s been gone,

124
00:06:50,070 --> 00:06:53,380
my life is nothing
but beer and fishing.

125
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:57,980
-Here.
-[Myra] Hermie!

126
00:07:01,450 --> 00:07:04,020
I got to get her
some brine shrimp

127
00:07:04,020 --> 00:07:06,250
for the seahorses.

128
00:07:07,390 --> 00:07:09,190
So long, George.

129
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:25,040
[parrot cawing]

130
00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:28,910
Come on, baby doll.
Come on out and play with mama.

131
00:07:28,940 --> 00:07:31,750
[parrot screams]

132
00:07:31,780 --> 00:07:33,950
Whatever’s wrong with Franklin?

133
00:07:34,050 --> 00:07:36,720
Got a load of bad sunflower
seed, I guess.

134
00:07:36,750 --> 00:07:38,890
Here’s the shrimp
with vitamin D.

135
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,260
Put it down.
I’ll get to it in a minute.

136
00:07:41,290 --> 00:07:43,090
The article says
they’re affectionate,

137
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:44,860
he seems kind
of self-centered to me.

138
00:07:44,890 --> 00:07:46,260
What’d I tell you?

139
00:07:46,290 --> 00:07:48,660
For heaven’s sake, Hermie,
don’t say I told you so.

140
00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:50,400
Well, I did, didn’t I?

141
00:07:50,430 --> 00:07:53,340
Well, look what
the article says, on the couch.

142
00:07:57,710 --> 00:07:59,710
[Myra]
Page 16.

143
00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:02,080
It says turtles
make very intelligent,

144
00:08:02,110 --> 00:08:05,510
interesting
and affectionate pets.

145
00:08:14,390 --> 00:08:16,260
You see it, Hermie?

146
00:08:16,290 --> 00:08:17,760
Uh...

147
00:08:19,930 --> 00:08:21,300
Yeah.

148
00:08:23,030 --> 00:08:25,670
Baby doll,
you still in there?

149
00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:28,800
Sure he ain’t dead?

150
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,670
Don’t be silly.

151
00:08:30,710 --> 00:08:33,040
But I don’t think he feels well.

152
00:08:33,070 --> 00:08:36,210
Baby, come out.

153
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,610
Maybe he’s got hives.

154
00:08:38,650 --> 00:08:40,720
He’s coldblooded.

155
00:08:40,750 --> 00:08:42,420
When they’re coldblooded,
I guess

156
00:08:42,450 --> 00:08:44,450
they don’t ever get real fond
of you.

157
00:08:45,820 --> 00:08:47,760
Oh, I don’t know.

158
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:53,630
After all,
a snake is coldblooded.

159
00:08:53,660 --> 00:08:55,800
[Myra]
What does that prove?

160
00:08:55,830 --> 00:08:59,670
Well, a snake is
the most affectionate pet
in the world.

161
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:01,700
Everybody knows that.

162
00:09:01,740 --> 00:09:06,070
Look at that. He’s been
in there for 15 minutes.

163
00:09:06,110 --> 00:09:08,740
You know,
I’ve been thinking.

164
00:09:08,780 --> 00:09:10,450
You know what
you ought to do, honey?

165
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,610
You ought to get
yourself a snake.

166
00:09:12,650 --> 00:09:14,150
[Myra]
Why?

167
00:09:14,180 --> 00:09:17,490
Well, a snake wouldn’t pull
that kind of stunt on you.

168
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,490
How could a snake go inside?

169
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,190
[spits]

170
00:09:21,220 --> 00:09:23,090
Where would it go?

171
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:25,790
And if it could,
it wouldn’t want to.

172
00:09:25,830 --> 00:09:28,030
[spits]

173
00:09:28,030 --> 00:09:32,300
You get the right snake,
you got yourself a real pal.

174
00:09:32,330 --> 00:09:34,600
-You think so?
-[Hermie] Sure.

175
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:38,740
Well, people say they can’t
stand the sight of snakes.

176
00:09:38,770 --> 00:09:41,480
Oh, that’s a lot of prejudice.

177
00:09:41,510 --> 00:09:44,050
Besides, everyone
don’t think that way.

178
00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:45,450
[spits]

179
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:47,650
People that know
snakes in person

180
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:49,620
don’t think that way at all.

181
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,820
Remember that act in Tampa
you wouldn’t go to see?

182
00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:56,790
The snake dance striptease?

183
00:09:56,830 --> 00:10:01,460
Well, that dame had ’em
twining all around her.

184
00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:03,230
There was a picture of it on
the billboard.

185
00:10:03,260 --> 00:10:04,970
You remember that.

186
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,870
-What do they eat?
-An egg.

187
00:10:06,900 --> 00:10:08,800
All you do is whistle
when it’s dinner time

188
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,240
and they just sit
right up and beg.

189
00:10:11,270 --> 00:10:13,010
What you want is
a nice little snake.

190
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:15,880
I could carry it around with me.

191
00:10:15,910 --> 00:10:17,650
Down the front of your dress.

192
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:21,050
[both laughing]

193
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,550
Well, that’s
where they carry ’em.

194
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:24,590
Right where it could
peek out at people.

195
00:10:24,620 --> 00:10:26,120
[both laughing]

196
00:10:26,150 --> 00:10:27,890
Be cute as the devil.

197
00:10:29,290 --> 00:10:31,990
Well, I don’t like snakes.

198
00:10:32,030 --> 00:10:34,000
OK, OK,
don’t have one, then.

199
00:10:34,030 --> 00:10:35,900
No snakes, snakes out.

200
00:10:35,930 --> 00:10:38,900
I’m not trying to sell you
a bill of goods, so forget it.

201
00:10:39,970 --> 00:10:41,770
Let him kill it.

202
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,940
Skin it.

203
00:10:43,970 --> 00:10:45,570
Make a pair of shoes
for a midget.

204
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:52,680
You mean you know a snake?

205
00:10:52,710 --> 00:10:54,780
Well, this pet shop fella’
in Miami’s stuck

206
00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,720
with this cute little snake.

207
00:10:56,750 --> 00:10:59,190
And he don’t know
what to do with it.

208
00:10:59,220 --> 00:11:02,220
-Does he have to kill him?
-Yup.

209
00:11:02,260 --> 00:11:05,630
You know what the price
of eggs is going up to.

210
00:11:05,660 --> 00:11:08,060
Would he give him away
to a real good home?

211
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:10,900
Nope. The snake skin’s
worth money.

212
00:11:10,930 --> 00:11:13,300
This guy’s got to eat.

213
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:16,400
All the same, he can’t
hardly face up to killing him.

214
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,670
It’s so darn loyal.

215
00:11:19,910 --> 00:11:22,810
He said this snake’s got
eyes like a...

216
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:25,180
a Cocker Spaniel.

217
00:11:25,210 --> 00:11:27,350
What if I went
to the pet shop to see him?

218
00:11:27,380 --> 00:11:31,650
Oh no, no! That’s where you
went wrong with the turtle.

219
00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:35,260
He still connects you
with the pet shop
where he was so miserable.

220
00:11:35,290 --> 00:11:38,190
And look at him,
he’s all withdrawn.

221
00:11:38,230 --> 00:11:41,260
Listen, if I was a snake,
I’d like to be put in a box,

222
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:43,160
and not know where I was going

223
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:47,640
and find myself being unwrapped
by someone just like you, Myra.

224
00:11:47,670 --> 00:11:51,670
In a nice, quiet room,
with the door shut.

225
00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:53,610
-You would?
-Yeah.

226
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,910
-Really?
-Yeah!

227
00:11:57,650 --> 00:12:00,250
You know something, Myra?

228
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:03,850
He told me, it takes all day
for a snake to die.

229
00:12:37,990 --> 00:12:39,420
Hey, kid.

230
00:12:39,450 --> 00:12:43,090
Is, uh,
this place called Melodie?

231
00:12:43,090 --> 00:12:45,430
-Yeah.
-You want to make a nickel?

232
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:48,560
Show me where this fellow
hangs out, this snakeologist.

233
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,430
Herpetologist.

234
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:54,000
Yeah, Herpet-- uh, yeah.

235
00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:56,140
Snakes, lizards,
gators, turtles, mice.

236
00:12:56,170 --> 00:12:59,170
I’m lookin’ for the fellow
that runs this ad.

237
00:12:59,210 --> 00:13:01,280
Eidelpfeiffer.

238
00:13:01,310 --> 00:13:04,650
-Herpetologist. That’s me.
-You?

239
00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:07,320
Hansel Eidelpfeiffer.

240
00:13:07,350 --> 00:13:10,250
Naturalists, pet shops,

241
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:13,250
medical schools,
and museums supplied.

242
00:13:13,290 --> 00:13:16,930
Live reptiles
for scientific purposes,

243
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,360
and rare collectors’ items.

244
00:13:19,390 --> 00:13:21,730
-What are you doin’ there?
-Frogs.

245
00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:25,400
-For my aquatic species.
-Oh.

246
00:13:27,900 --> 00:13:29,270
You want to buy something?

247
00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:32,540
Well, I tell you, Hansel.
I’m a professor.

248
00:13:32,570 --> 00:13:36,080
I’m, uh, involved
in some crucial research

249
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:39,580
on the, uh,
Cape Canaveral thing.

250
00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:41,250
Professor, huh?

251
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:46,320
Now, what we want is a tiptop,
high-powered, poisonous snake.

252
00:13:46,350 --> 00:13:48,160
-A real stinger.
-Hmm.

253
00:13:48,190 --> 00:13:50,760
Well, let’s see. Crotalus?

254
00:13:50,790 --> 00:13:53,090
Crotalus adamanteus? Horridus?

255
00:13:53,090 --> 00:13:55,860
Or what about Ancistrodon?

256
00:13:55,900 --> 00:13:57,700
No, no. Nothing imported.

257
00:13:57,730 --> 00:14:00,070
Just a decent,
straightforward American snake

258
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:03,040
like you’d come on
in your own backyard.

259
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,770
Those are copperheads
and rattlesnakes.

260
00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:07,610
I was just giving you
the Latin names, Professor.

261
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,780
[chuckling]
Why sure.

262
00:14:10,810 --> 00:14:12,310
Don’t know what
I was thinkin’ of,

263
00:14:12,350 --> 00:14:15,120
with these mosquitoes
buzzin’ around me all the time.

264
00:14:15,150 --> 00:14:17,320
Look, kid, I ain’t interested
in a rattler.

265
00:14:17,350 --> 00:14:20,320
What I need is something
with a lot of class,
little and cute.

266
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,590
With plenty of zing.

267
00:14:22,620 --> 00:14:25,690
How about a Tyrannosaurus rex?

268
00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:29,500
Look, Hassenpfeffer,
I came here for a yard of snake,

269
00:14:29,530 --> 00:14:31,700
not a yard of highbrow talk.

270
00:14:31,730 --> 00:14:34,070
You got somethin’
like I said, let’s do business.

271
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:35,570
If you ain’t, say so,
and don’t keep me

272
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,870
standing’ around here
gettin’ bit!

273
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,870
How about a coral snake?

274
00:14:39,910 --> 00:14:41,940
How’s it for size?

275
00:14:41,980 --> 00:14:43,210
Twenty inches.

276
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:44,850
Packs a high grade of poison?

277
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,080
It certainly does.

278
00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:48,150
Good lookin?

279
00:14:48,180 --> 00:14:50,250
It’s got bands around it,

280
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,190
black and red and yellow.

281
00:14:52,220 --> 00:14:55,120
It looks like
the scarlet kingsnake,

282
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:58,090
handsomest of American reptiles.
Here...

283
00:14:58,130 --> 00:15:00,160
Here, read what it says.

284
00:15:03,470 --> 00:15:05,470
Deadliest type of poison

285
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:07,840
in North or South America.

286
00:15:07,870 --> 00:15:10,570
Akin to that of the cobra.

287
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,070
That’s my baby.

288
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,680
What you want it for?

289
00:15:16,710 --> 00:15:19,910
They’ve got no right lettin’
a kid like you advertise.

290
00:15:19,950 --> 00:15:22,220
Here the country’s
needin’ scientists

291
00:15:22,250 --> 00:15:25,050
and my time is being wasted
drivin’ all the way down here

292
00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:27,590
to a little punk
who don’t know a snake
from a tapeworm.

293
00:15:27,620 --> 00:15:28,890
Keep your snake!

294
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,690
and I’ll keep
my top secret information

295
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:33,130
and my dough as well!

296
00:15:38,130 --> 00:15:40,070
Listen, pal,
let’s make ourselves a deal.

297
00:15:40,070 --> 00:15:41,340
A little bitsy one like that

298
00:15:41,370 --> 00:15:43,940
can’t come so very high,
I guess. Three bucks?

299
00:15:43,970 --> 00:15:45,970
-Four?
-Ten.

300
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:48,840
-Ten?
-That’s what I said.

301
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,480
Look, Hassenpfeffer,

302
00:15:50,510 --> 00:15:53,450
I’m gonna let you in
on this top secret information,

303
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:57,450
even though you ain’t showin’
a very patriotic attitude.

304
00:15:57,490 --> 00:16:00,320
Our scientists over at Canaveral

305
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,160
want to see
if we can beat the Russians

306
00:16:02,190 --> 00:16:05,130
puttin’ a snake on the moon.

307
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,630
-Five bucks?
-Ten.

308
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,430
Split the difference.
Make it 7.50.

309
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:12,730
Ten.

310
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:23,350
-You want it wrapped?
-In a carton.

311
00:16:23,380 --> 00:16:25,680
Make it a good, strong one.

312
00:16:30,050 --> 00:16:32,420
Hermie, you remembered.

313
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,560
Our 15th anniversary.

314
00:16:35,890 --> 00:16:39,490
Listen,
you can hear him in there.

315
00:16:39,530 --> 00:16:44,500
Oh, Hermie, you went out
and bought him
with your own allowance.

316
00:16:44,530 --> 00:16:46,840
-Well, honey, I--
-Oh, Hermie,

317
00:16:46,870 --> 00:16:49,470
sometimes you
just surprise me to pieces.

318
00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:51,570
You used your own money,
just for me.

319
00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:53,780
Let’s open him.
Wait, hold it.

320
00:16:53,810 --> 00:16:56,080
-What’s the matter?
-Well, uh,

321
00:16:56,110 --> 00:16:58,510
that’s a trained snake, Myra.

322
00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:01,020
He’s tame, affectionate.

323
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,050
He does an act.

324
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,220
-He does?
-Sure.

325
00:17:05,250 --> 00:17:07,590
You can tie him
around your leg for a garter,

326
00:17:07,620 --> 00:17:09,360
or around your neck,
or anywhere.

327
00:17:09,390 --> 00:17:13,260
You just stick his tail
in his mouth
like the two ends of a necklace.

328
00:17:13,290 --> 00:17:15,030
How darling!

329
00:17:15,030 --> 00:17:16,830
The guy told me all about him.

330
00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:18,900
He said you got to love him up,

331
00:17:18,930 --> 00:17:21,170
you got to make a pet of him,

332
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,540
you got to let him do his stuff
right from the very start.

333
00:17:23,570 --> 00:17:25,670
And he’ll be
just crazy about you.

334
00:17:25,710 --> 00:17:28,080
-Let’s undo him.
-Oh, wait!

335
00:17:28,110 --> 00:17:31,210
Now, uh, let me get out of here.

336
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:33,820
See, I don’t want him
seeing me first.

337
00:17:35,350 --> 00:17:37,690
He might take to me,
instead of you.

338
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,720
That’s herpetology.

339
00:17:39,750 --> 00:17:43,390
-Herpe-- what?
-Snake psychology.

340
00:17:45,090 --> 00:17:47,330
Now, I’ll just go
for a little walk

341
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:50,730
and give you some time
to love him up

342
00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:53,340
and get real friendly with him.

343
00:17:53,370 --> 00:17:57,310
Well, go to it, sweetie.

344
00:17:57,340 --> 00:17:59,370
He’s all yours.

345
00:18:00,510 --> 00:18:02,910
Thank you, Hermie.

346
00:18:06,180 --> 00:18:08,020
[parrot]
Slob.

347
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:13,420
One word and tomorrow
you’re a feather duster.

348
00:18:19,530 --> 00:18:22,200
The way I see it, Hermie,
you got two problems.

349
00:18:22,230 --> 00:18:23,800
You got to find a hotel
for that livestock

350
00:18:23,830 --> 00:18:26,100
and you got to train Myra
to drink beer.

351
00:18:26,130 --> 00:18:29,340
You get them two things
settled... What’s the matter?

352
00:18:29,370 --> 00:18:32,770
Uh, it’s almost 6 o’clock,
I gotta go.

353
00:18:32,810 --> 00:18:34,310
Ah, sit down and relax.

354
00:18:34,340 --> 00:18:36,410
Here, I’ll split this one
with you. It’s the last one.

355
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,050
Ah, no thanks, George.

356
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:40,450
Yeah, you get that dame
to drink beer with you,

357
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,950
and the next thing you know,
she’ll wanna go fishing

358
00:18:43,050 --> 00:18:45,390
and after that,
there’s no telling
what she’ll do.

359
00:18:45,420 --> 00:18:47,420
Might even raise your allowance.

360
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:50,260
Can’t even keep gas
in your tank
on 10 bucks a week, boy.

361
00:18:50,290 --> 00:18:52,090
Well, thanks for the beer,
George, I got to go.

362
00:18:52,130 --> 00:18:53,700
Hermie.

363
00:18:53,730 --> 00:18:55,400
-Yeah?
-Put the bite on her!

364
00:19:12,850 --> 00:19:14,650
-[Hermie] Shorty.
-[kid] Huh?

365
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,650
Here’s a nickel.
Gimme a loan of the bat.

366
00:19:16,690 --> 00:19:19,820
-What for?
-Never mind what for.
A nickel for five minutes.

367
00:19:19,850 --> 00:19:21,020
Gimme.

368
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,340
[parrot squeaks]

369
00:19:46,510 --> 00:19:47,880
Myra?

370
00:19:55,390 --> 00:19:56,890
Myra?

371
00:20:08,570 --> 00:20:11,010
[Myra]
I’m in here, Hermie.

372
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,270
Where?

373
00:20:12,310 --> 00:20:14,210
In the bedroom.

374
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:16,750
Hermie, I’m hurt.

375
00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:18,350
Hurt?

376
00:20:18,380 --> 00:20:20,420
Come here, Hermie.

377
00:20:29,860 --> 00:20:32,330
Myra?

378
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:34,200
Hermie.

379
00:20:39,730 --> 00:20:41,440
He doesn’t like me.

380
00:20:41,470 --> 00:20:44,940
What do you mean,
he don’t like you?

381
00:20:44,970 --> 00:20:48,040
That fellow must’ve fast
talked you into a bad deal.

382
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,650
That’s a cold snake
if I ever saw one.

383
00:20:52,310 --> 00:20:55,020
I’m-I’m really hurt, Hermie.

384
00:20:55,050 --> 00:20:58,320
-What’d you do with him?
-I put him to bed.

385
00:20:59,450 --> 00:21:02,290
Oh.

386
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:05,960
-[sighs] What’s that for?
-Hm?

387
00:21:06,060 --> 00:21:08,600
-The bat.
-Oh!

388
00:21:08,630 --> 00:21:11,130
I’ve been popping flies
to the kids.

389
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,540
I’m really discouraged, Hermie,
it’s just like I told you.

390
00:21:16,570 --> 00:21:20,840
He’s a coldblooded thing
and he just can’t work up
a love for people.

391
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:30,690
I could fix him an egg.
He might be sweeter to me.

392
00:21:38,660 --> 00:21:40,560
You hold him.

393
00:21:41,660 --> 00:21:43,630
He bit me! He bit me!

394
00:21:43,670 --> 00:21:46,100
Well, you scared him,
Hermie.

395
00:21:46,100 --> 00:21:48,700
How can we ever
catch him now?

396
00:21:48,740 --> 00:21:50,840
-Poor little snake.
-[groaning] Myra! Myra!

397
00:21:50,870 --> 00:21:52,670
I’ll put some Mercurochrome
on that.

398
00:21:52,710 --> 00:21:54,510
Never can tell where
their teeth have been.

399
00:21:54,540 --> 00:21:56,880
They’ve been in me!

400
00:21:56,910 --> 00:21:58,610
Myra!

401
00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:00,680
Oh, what’s the matter,
Hermie?

402
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,350
Myra, I’m gonna die.

403
00:22:02,380 --> 00:22:04,790
Get a doctor,
it’s a poisonous snake.

404
00:22:04,820 --> 00:22:07,460
Oh, Hermie, you wouldn’t
give me a poisonous snake.

405
00:22:10,930 --> 00:22:12,260
Hermie?

406
00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:17,630
Mr. Bay!

407
00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:20,240
George, come quick!

408
00:22:28,580 --> 00:22:31,080
I’m going to get rid
of all the animals,

409
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,450
every last one of them.

410
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,950
Because every time
I look at one,

411
00:22:35,980 --> 00:22:38,390
I’ll think of Hermie.

412
00:22:38,420 --> 00:22:40,960
You’ve got to go on,
Mrs. Jenson.

413
00:22:40,990 --> 00:22:43,260
I’m going to sell the house,

414
00:22:43,290 --> 00:22:45,090
go away.

415
00:22:45,090 --> 00:22:48,330
Europe, Hawaii,

416
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:50,270
The South Seas.

417
00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:56,100
But you know,
it won’t be the same.

418
00:22:56,100 --> 00:22:57,610
[George]
Here he is.

419
00:23:00,710 --> 00:23:02,480
Alive and kickin’.

420
00:23:04,110 --> 00:23:05,950
-Well, I was right.
-Sure.

421
00:23:06,050 --> 00:23:08,620
-He’s not poisonous?
-Of course not.

422
00:23:08,650 --> 00:23:11,320
Hermie’d never
slip you a hot snake.

423
00:23:11,350 --> 00:23:13,920
This is a kingsnake,
that’s not a coral.

424
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:16,360
They just look alike.

425
00:23:16,390 --> 00:23:18,060
As I told you, Mrs. Jenkins,

426
00:23:18,090 --> 00:23:20,900
your husband died
of a heart attack.

427
00:23:20,930 --> 00:23:22,300
Poor Hermie.

428
00:23:22,330 --> 00:23:25,070
Right up to the last,
he was kidding.

429
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:27,240
Always kidding.

430
00:23:29,470 --> 00:23:32,710
[parrot screeches, chuckles]

431
00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:47,090
I’m attempting
to improve on nature

432
00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:50,930
by giving this flower
a more inviting scent.

433
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:54,460
I want my friend
to get quite close.

434
00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:57,970
This perfume has
such a suggestive name

435
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,500
I’m not even allowed
to mention it on the air.

436
00:24:01,540 --> 00:24:06,310
The saleswoman told me it’s
infallible in attracting men.

437
00:24:06,340 --> 00:24:08,910
This was the last
bottle they had.

438
00:24:08,940 --> 00:24:11,350
Their entire supply
was bought up

439
00:24:11,380 --> 00:24:14,150
by the Army recruiting office.

440
00:24:14,180 --> 00:24:17,650
I shall return next time
with another story.

441
00:24:17,690 --> 00:24:20,720
Until then, goodnight.

442
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:29,900
-[crunching]
-[screams]

443
00:24:29,930 --> 00:24:34,640
[munching, grinding]

444
00:24:43,550 --> 00:24:45,410
[gulps]